selling you emotional attachment benefits them, not you

men are reaching out to women 17 percentile points more attractive, and women contact men who are 10 percentile points more attractive

most attractive men still only get responses 50% of the time
looks like about 1% of men are rating to be in that "most attractive" category
80% of men are rated below "medium" attractiveness
though good news is women discriminate by looks a lot less than men, they message roughly evenly across the attractiveness spectrum

i recommended and implemented a checklist at work. others raised their eyebrows and wouldn't touch it. if it works for surgeons, it works for us!

"have a checklist. You can't fix that problem without addressing shame, because when they teach those folks how to suture, they also teach them how to stitch their self-worth to being all-powerful. And all-powerful folks don't need checklists."

we're most often our biggest critic. definitely the case with me.

"Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is "I am bad." Guilt is "I did something bad." Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake. "

"Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders. Guilt, inversely correlated with those things."

the difference is letting go.

"For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what? Weak"

i.e. vulnerability. men are not allowed to show weakness. we have to live up to the same 19th century ideals of stoic men, that haven't changed since.

"men in this country need to do to conform with male norms, the answers were: always show emotional control, work is first, pursue status and violence. "

shame thrives under secrecy, silence, and judgement. empathy is the opposite.

" I'm going to go in there and kick some ass when I'm bulletproof and when I'm perfect"

sounds like my entire life.

I feel like vulnerability is just a fear of your own failure.

It's an uncomfortable emotion, in a world that systematically avoids uncomfortable emotions (brave new world, anyone? soma all around us).

"You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then, we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle."

humans are hard-wired to avoid uncertainty. uncertainty means you might be eaten by a lion on the plains. it's a very uncomfortable emotion.

"we make everything that's uncertain certain."

we perfect. instead of saying "You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." so we're a generation grown up thinking we're only worthy if we're perfect. so we're endlessly chasing our own perfection as we spiral into depression and madness.

we try to abstract away everything we don't like. and we end up with nothing. man is a machine designed to resolve conflict. without conflict. there is no human story.

"be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive"

this part sounds super hard

"believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ... then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves. "

summary of NPR talk on Google X guy and how his teams accept failure as a counter-balance to their wild moon-shot optimism

"enthusiastic scepticism is not the enemy of boundless optimism. it's optimism's perfect partner. it unlocks the potential in every idea."

I’m a social psychologist, so I’m interested primarily in the situational and contextual factors that drive human behavior. When you’re seeking to predict or explain a person’s actions, looking at the social norms, and the person’s context, is usually a pretty safe bet. Situational constraints typically predict behavior far better than personality, intelligence, or other individual-level traits.

So when I see a student failing to complete assignments, missing deadlines, or not delivering results in other aspects of their life, I’m moved to ask: what are the situational factors holding this student back? What needs are currently not being met? And, when it comes to behavioral “laziness,” I’m especially moved to ask: what are the barriers to action that I can’t see?

There are always barriers. Recognizing those barriers— and viewing them as legitimate — is often the first step to breaking “lazy” behavior patterns.